this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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