If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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