Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
