I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
