I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
