If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
