It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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