My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
