A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
God I need to hump something, right now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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