Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I will be naked everywhere
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
