Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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