I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
