i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
