Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
