so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
