After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
