so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize