he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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