the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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