woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
