I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
