Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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