6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
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he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize