if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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