Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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