you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
