So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
