ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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