just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
