Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
