if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
