I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
