i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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