Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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