mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
