More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
