im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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