I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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