I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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