I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i will never coherently bang her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
