i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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