His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
