I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Found the puke drawer
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
