ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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