whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
