can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
