Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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