totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
