How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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