YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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