i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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