He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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